Here's A Fine, Douchebaggy Start to Your Week

Seen in the morning "papers."




I don't take these "examiners" too seriously for the simple reason that most of them are ignorant dipshits. But y'know a broken clock is right twice a day. I for one have been saying that the only thing that looks worse on a cyclist than white spandex shorts is self-righteousness. But whatever. Cyclists are superior to pedestrians and automobile drivers, and the sooner everyone realizes it, the safer we cyclists will be. And all-powerful. And benevolent in our absolute control over every living thing. Car drivers will still be allowed to ride folding bikes. Pedestrians may continue to pedest, so long as they use a unicycle or a Razor scooter.

Still, no one likes a moralizing prig, regardless of whether or not he's a prig on wheels. And, as so often is the case with moralizing prigs, this guy steps over the line:

Then I became a victim of the wrath of “entitled biker.” You know the guy. He flies along, disregarding anything and anyone in his path. And God forbid you dare to cross his path. He will mutter angrily as he passes you. Those guys are the reason I wish more bicyclists were run over by trucks.

Nice.

A Whole Lot of Justification for Bending One Rule

In Oregon, they're talking about adapting the "Idaho Stop" rule which basically turns stops signs into yield signs for cyclists. Not a terrible idea, I guess, but seems quite a lot of paperwork for legislators, advocates, and other busybodies. What they're really saying in the subtext here is "OUR POLICE OFFICERS ARE BORED AND THERE ISN'T ENOUGH REAL CRIME GOING ON IN OUR GENTEEL CITY, SO THEY'RE BUSTING BIKE RIDERS FOR BREAKING AUTOMOBILE RULES, AND WE WANT THEM TO STOP THAT."W



Bicycles, Rolling Stops, and the Idaho Stop from Spencer Boomhower on Vimeo.

This is a clever video, and you can appreciate the earnestness of it all, but basing the entire proposal on the "scientific" merit of momentum preservation is ridiculous. If stop signs are what stand between you and a debilitating bonk in your daily commute, you might consider taking the bus or buying a Segway.

Cyclists: Suckling at the teat of the Nanny State

Out in Seattle, at least one brave newspaper editorialist is taking a courageous stand against misspent public largesse and the freeloaders who take advantage of it: Bicyclists! Writing for the local fishwrap, Jim Vesely says cyclists should cough up $25 per year as a license. Hell, we license dogs and boats and deer hunters. Why should cyclists get off scott-free, when the besieged taxpayer has coughed up so much dough for all those bike paths?



The reasoning is wrong, of course, from top to bottom, considering that cyclists pay sales tax when they purchase their bikes, but more important, I can't think of one cyclist I know who doesn't also own a car and pay all the associated taxes and fees and blah blah blah. Arguments like JV's rely on a simple -- aw, let's not sugarcoat it -- IDIOTIC syllogism that people who ride bikes are scofflaw tax evaders and paintywaists, and probably eat their boogers too, and they're not regular folk like you and me.




That said, I am frankly a little surprised that we cyclists have managed to remain relatively unburdened by license/registration harrassment these many years -- though here in Minneapolis, the local constabulary issued bike licenses (a sticker on the frame with a reg. number) for many years that served a somewhat utile purpose: If your ride was stolen and subsequently abandoned, the police looked you up and gave you a courtesy call.

This happened to me last year, actually. I'd rebuilt an old Trek Antelope and donated it to a community bike shop who then sold it to a guy who then had it stolen. The MPD called me up when they found it, which I thought was kinda nifty -- though of course I didn't want the bike back, and donated it again. Trek Antelope: The gift that keeps giving! The point, I guess, is that the city got its money and I got my bike back, and it cost me something like $10 about 15 years ago. It was voluntary, and I thought a bit of a scam at the time, but true, it very much accelerates the process of recovering a stolen bike from the police, whereas the alternative is to haul your ass down to the impound lot and pray your bike turns up and then when it does, you have to prove ownership by producing a receipt with a serial number etc. etc. etc. (I manage to save wads and wads and wads of useless ATM receipts and grocery store ribbons, but not a scrap of paper that might actually serve a purpose.)

Anyway, the fact that bike licenses/registrations are not (yet) a reality for most folks is just another reason why -- as my buds at the LBS say -- bikes are freedom, and an exceptional freedom at that.

But I think those goddamn skateboarders should be required to get a driver's license after a rigorous oral and anal exam.

Meanwhile, in a perfect parallel universe...

ImmobiTag has jumped the pond, and now you can "eartag" your bike the way you might eartag your dog -- i.e. with a scannable embedded chip with all the relevant information that proves it's your bike.



Sure this is an improvement current systems-- or rather, non-systems. Last year I rode my bike to the bar and had a few drinks, came outside to find some shit-heel had glued my cable-lock shut. Kindly cop was napping in a car down the corner, so I approached him.

ME: Good evening officer. Someone glued my lock shut, and I'm wondering if you maybe have a boltcutter in your trunk?

(Drinking cyclist completely unaware of what a ridiculous request this is.)

OFFICER KINDLY (Looks drinking cyclist up and down, tries to judge if he's being fucked with): Ah, no. Nothing like that.

ME: So if I walk home and get my cable cutter, come back and liberate my bike, you won't arrest me, right?

OFFICER KINDLY: Um.

ME: I mean, you can take down my name and everything and if anyone claims I stole the bike, they'd be lying, and.... oh never mind. What do you suggest?

OFFICER KINDLY: I suggest you find a receipt that proves that's your bike, and then get a locksmith.

ME (stumbling on my way): Thanks, officer. You've been very helpful.

So I went home and got my cablecutter, which made quick work of my lock -- I was astonished -- while everyone at the bar just sat and stared at me. It was pretty cool.

Anyway, if I'd had this electronic tag, the whole thing might have gone down differently.

ME: Good evening officer. Someone glued my lock shut, and I'm wondering if you maybe have a boltcutter in your trunk?

(Drinking cyclist completely unaware of what a ridiculous request this is.)

OFFICER KINDLY (Looks drinking cyclist up and down, tries to judge if he's being fucked with): Ah, no. Nothing like that.

ME: So if I walk home and get my cable cutter, come back and liberate my bike, you won't arrest me, right?

OFFICER KINDLY: Um.

ME: I mean, I have one of those radio-frequency eartags installed that proves it's my bike.

OFFICER KINDLY: Wha? I suggest you find a receipt that proves that's your bike, and then get a locksmith.

ME (stumbling on my way): Thanks, officer. You've been very helpful.

Variations in the 10-meter dash

David Cameron, the Conservative Party leader in the UK and a legendary bike advocate, has had his bicycle nicked.

He stopped at a supermarket on his way home, to pick up some items for dinner, and left his mountain bike locked to a bollard, a short and stout barrier whose main purpose is to block vehicle traffic while letting pedestrians pass. Mr. Cameron would regret the decision minutes later. According to a witness quoted by The Evening Standard, “a couple of kids hanging around” quickly saw their opportunity. In a swift motion, they demonstrated how Mr. Cameron’s bike-locking skills fall far short of his political prowess. “They just picked it up and ran off,” the witness said, referring to the bike and the chain.

Well, aside from the obvious joke -- conservative, not firmly anchored to reality, instant karma, etc. -- it makes me realize that there should be a sort of international rating system for how long you have in any given city using the messenger method of locking your bike, that is, locking the bike to itself, front wheel to frame.


I'd bet dollars to disk brakes that London and New York would top the list and give you just a few nanoseconds, whereas in a genteel town like Minneapolis you can actually sit down and have a cup of coffee and a scone, check your email, administer your daily dose of EPO or CERA.

The road rage of the cyclist

So I was casting some aspersions on Dallas yesterday, and today I hear that a Dallas cyclist is being investigated for a "road rage incident." The situation is one we all find ourselves in almost every day: A negligent cager on a cell phone fails to give adequate buffer to a group of cyclists riding legally on the roadway. In this case, Dallas cyclist caught up to the driver and rifled his water bottle at the driver.

This short video includes an interview of both characters, and I am struck by just one thought. This woman couldn't stop smoking for a 30-second television interview? Unreal. Lady, they make gum and patches that would allow you to speak uninterrupted by nicotine fits for up to 20-minutes! On the other hand, you could probably get one of those nostril hoses and a tank of second hand smoke, then you could smoke 24/7 and have full use of your hands.




Also this: It's a far better act of revenge to just reach in and empty your water bottle on the driver's lap. That way you get to keep your bottle, the assault charge won't stick, and she'll arrive at work looking like she urinated in her short-shorts.

That's a win-win-win!

(Full disclosure: In my less-enlightened road raging days, I once threw a water bottle at a carload of teenagers. But only after they'd thrown it at me. And it was empty. So it was more a gesture of rage than an actual act of rage. Still, I felt good-bad-guilty-justified for weeks afterward. It was a powerful feeling to scare the shit out of a bunch of lowlife dopesmokers, but not one I need to relive.)

Happy Thoughts for Your Critical Mass Ride Today

Out in Alameda, the city council is trying to pass an amendment that would make it illegal to ride bikes or skateboards in city parks, school yards, parking lots and public structures like parking ramps.

The original reasoning for changing the ordinance was to address an ongoing problem with skateboarders using the steep interior ramps of the new six-story parking garage as a recreation area.

I've noticed a couple other ongoing problems: The cost of fuel and the wastefulness of driving 2,000 pound internal-combustion cages and obese police officers. I'm just saying. I've noticed.


Meanwhile up in San Francisco they're sort of taking the opposite approach to Alameda. There, they're trying to pass laws that would limit urban sprawl and encourage population density. That is, more people living closer together within cycling distance to grocery stores, baseball stadiums, city parks.

The automobile is quickly becoming obsolete, so why not start planning for that eventuality?

Canadian crackdown

Up in Toronto, authorities have wrapped up their week-long "bike blitz," a dragnet operation that resulted in 7,000 tickets being issued to car drivers and cyclists. It was an attempt to shore up the rules and slap a few wrists -- from nailing outlaw cyclists that run red lights and menace the sidewalks, to cars drivers who blithely park in bike lanes.



I'm glad that justice was, in this case, blind and meted out on a fairly equal basis between riders and cagers. While I think bikes can and should bend the rules to suit their needs, they shouldn't do it in ways that antagonize car drivers.

Were Toronto's efforts the naked face of fascism? Or an effective marketing campaign reminding one and all that bikes are an inevitable and growing part of the city landscape?

The Mnpls Mafia strikes again?

Seen in the morning papers...



"It must have been an odd sight early on a weekday morning—a bicycle in the road with an attached cart loaded with alcoholic beverages and tobacco products."

Uh, no... That must have seemed like the Wednesday Night Ride.

More like the "big gut of the law."

Seen in the morning papers:





Accompanied by this photograph:





Uh, I'd say the biggest reason for the Pittsburgh Police to get out of their cars and on their bikes is right there hanging over their belts.

A return to regularly scheduled programming

The boss has been kinda busy lately, so I've been recruited to scrape the mold off the loaf, and make a little toast.

Seen in the morning papers...




That, of course, describes about half of all the pathletes we see out on the Cedar Lake loop each day, with their icy stares and strange little tri bikes.

The case against lycra: When showing your stuff brings the police into the picture

Seen in the morning papers...

The devil is in the details, of course, and finally the police offer up a description we can really use:

His bike was a silver mountain bike with blue front forks. The seat is pitched at an unusual downward angle.

Joke = screw loose.

Forced to behave like adults: CMNY

Last month, the City of New York passed a law requiring cyclists to apply for a permit, if they were going to conduct a ride with more than 50 riders. Clearly, the city wanted a legal tool for busting up NYC Critical Mass rides, and that's precisely what they did as soon as the law went into effect. But the official reasoning behind the law is so that police can close roads and regulate traffic.



During the February ride, members of NYC Critical Mass were ticketed and forced to behave like regular citizens and sue the city, but that lawsuit was dismissed today.

Whether you agree or not with Critical Mass (my own feelings rise and fall according to the ambient level of self-righteousness on any given ride; here in Minneapolis, the unkindest thing I've ever heard said to pedestrians and car drivers is, "Have a great Friday!"), you have to be troubled by any government regulation of the People's Right to Gather on Goofy Looking Tall-Bikes.




On the other hand, maybe Critical Mass NY should go ahead and get a permit, then maybe they can put the police to work for 'em, rather than agin 'em.

Fail Britannia: The Decline of Western Civilization's scandals

They say you get the scandals you deserve. So it's kinda interesting that while we mop up the sordid Spitzer affair, the Brits have their knickers in a bunch over a conservative MP who -- gasp!-- runs red lights and one-ways on his bike.


I should think it's rather a bigger scandal that a man who's smart enough to be a member of parliament rides around with his helmet strapped to his handlebars.

Then again, that's one of the defining elements of the world's second best bike video.

Blaming the rider on the wheel

Seen in the morning papers...




I've been pissed at the bike path for lots of reasons, but I've never considered actually blaming it for committing a crime.

It certainly does aid and abet lots of fashion misdemeanors committed by the fruitbooters, though.

Please don't buy this sticker

Some spineless "anarchist" turd has apparently minted these stickers in the wake of last week's Times Square bombing.




Look folks, this guy was riding a dynacrappy Ross. He is emphatically not a cyclist, and he has besmirched the good name and divine purpose of bikes.


As cycling culture grows and matures, one of the downsides is that it will attract pubescent nut-jobs who confuse the message with the medium. Yes, in our mansion there are many houses -- including the one with rubber walls and ball-gags.

The bike-friendliest mayor this side of Paris gets his wish

That proposal Mayor Richard Daley had to ticket car drivers who door cyclists or cut them off with the old right hook? It got the thumbs up from the Chicago city council this week.



Careless Chicago cagers now risk fines of up to 500 bucks -- if, of course, Windy City police can be compelled to give a crap.

And I'm not just being a cynical jerk here; it's not necessarily an easy thing to do. You can pass laws till you're blue in the face, but it's been suggested by the police themselves how little they know or care about laws pertaining to cyclists.

Quaint little island in Atlantic actually investigates bike thefts

Here's something you just don't see in the morning papers this side of the pond ...

Though to be sure, cranky Yorkers are whinging about "more serious" crime coverage, in the comments. I especially like one reader's line of speculation:

I very much doubt that when the bike was stolen it had the baby seat on. With the front and rear disk brakes, front falkes hightend seat and drinks hold it looks like a actual mountin bike or trik bike.In my opinion it has been stolen from a keen cyclist and converted into a baby carrier by the thief or the person who bought it "dodgy".

Police: Just another dumb obstacle to steer clear of, sadly

An interesting article came across my desk this morning. It's an academic article from Law & Order -- not the TV show, but the journal of law enforcement professionals. The piece, written by a former police officer, was a stinging indictment of cop incompetence in dealing with bikes, bicyclists, and accidents involving them. In "Bicycle Crash Investigation," Officer Kirby Beck, retired from the Coon Rapids, Minnesota police force writes,

The state of the art in specialized bicycle crash investigation and reconstruction is rudimentary at best. Focused training in bicycle crash investigation is rare, if it exists at all. In virtually every state, bicycles have most of the same rights and responsibilities as motor vehicle operators. Many officers don't seem to know, or care, that they do. Training in bicycle traffic law is virtually non-existent in police academies and crash investigation courses. Unfortunately, many serious road cyclists know and understand traffic laws regulating bicycles far better than most street cops.

Well, I don't want to say I told you so. But this does explain a certain incident from last summer. The problem, of course, is not so much police ignorance -- though of course that is a problem. The problem is the often-aggressive nature and expression of that ignorance, from a person carrying a gun and a ticket-book.

More sex with bikes: Swedes do it better, duh

Seen in the morning papers:

We live in enlightened times, sure, but the folks on the bike-porn tour may have to go underground if authorities keep cracking down on "vehicular intercourse."