An Amusement & Diversion for The Genteel Cyclist. Daily.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Meanwhile, in a perfect parallel universe...

ImmobiTag has jumped the pond, and now you can "eartag" your bike the way you might eartag your dog -- i.e. with a scannable embedded chip with all the relevant information that proves it's your bike.



Sure this is an improvement current systems-- or rather, non-systems. Last year I rode my bike to the bar and had a few drinks, came outside to find some shit-heel had glued my cable-lock shut. Kindly cop was napping in a car down the corner, so I approached him.

ME: Good evening officer. Someone glued my lock shut, and I'm wondering if you maybe have a boltcutter in your trunk?

(Drinking cyclist completely unaware of what a ridiculous request this is.)

OFFICER KINDLY (Looks drinking cyclist up and down, tries to judge if he's being fucked with): Ah, no. Nothing like that.

ME: So if I walk home and get my cable cutter, come back and liberate my bike, you won't arrest me, right?

OFFICER KINDLY: Um.

ME: I mean, you can take down my name and everything and if anyone claims I stole the bike, they'd be lying, and.... oh never mind. What do you suggest?

OFFICER KINDLY: I suggest you find a receipt that proves that's your bike, and then get a locksmith.

ME (stumbling on my way): Thanks, officer. You've been very helpful.


So I went home and got my cablecutter, which made quick work of my lock -- I was astonished -- while everyone at the bar just sat and stared at me. It was pretty cool.

Anyway, if I'd had this electronic tag, the whole thing might have gone down differently.

ME: Good evening officer. Someone glued my lock shut, and I'm wondering if you maybe have a boltcutter in your trunk?

(Drinking cyclist completely unaware of what a ridiculous request this is.)

OFFICER KINDLY (Looks drinking cyclist up and down, tries to judge if he's being fucked with): Ah, no. Nothing like that.

ME: So if I walk home and get my cable cutter, come back and liberate my bike, you won't arrest me, right?

OFFICER KINDLY: Um.

ME: I mean, I have one of those radio-frequency eartags installed that proves it's my bike.

OFFICER KINDLY: Wha? I suggest you find a receipt that proves that's your bike, and then get a locksmith.

ME (stumbling on my way): Thanks, officer. You've been very helpful.


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