So I'm sort of trying to figure out this year's Tour De France. Being off the grid since last Wednesday, I find myself playing catch-up, but in a rather half-assed way. I mean Frishkorn? Felluil? I also heard someone say something about Astana being in, like, Portland, Oregon?! Huh? Riding in the "Bend Bike N Sport - Three Creeks Road Race"? How the mighty have fallen!
More important, what's my angle going to be? What do I have to add to the thin broth of worldwide TDF coverage? Maybe a few meaty jokes about Jonathan Vaughters' little metrosexual glasses and turtlenecks?
Maybe a daily comment comparing the day's maillot jeune with that stage's famous local cheese?
Last year's mountain stage haiku was sort of a bust, and my drinking game-- one large flagon of Bordeaux every time Paul Sherwen says "suitcase of courage"-- didn't get me nearly as drunk as I would have liked.
No, I guess I'll be going a bit more stream of consciousness this year, I'm into this whole automatic writing/surrealism thing these days. (Did you realize that Franz Kafka invented the first civilian hard-hat, which if you think about it is the protean bike helmet?)
Here's what's on my TDF lineup today:
- Danny Pate had a great time trial this morning, and his name reminds me of the impressive display of male pattern baldness at the Versus broadcasting desk. Hell, there's a lot of receding hair lines in the peloton.
- Late last night I rolled in from four days of singletrack in the U.P. I was eager to (1) keep reading this awesome O'Neill novel and (2) see what gifts my TiVo had for me in the way of TDF stages 1-3; being the guy who gets to unpack the car and put away bikes while the beautiful and sainted wife puts the kids down, I just about had to pee my pants so I whipped it out in the backyard and watered the peonies. My neighbor totally busted me.
- Is it just me and my 5 or 6 minutes of viewing so far, or is Team Garmin-Chipotle actually making an impressive showing so far?
- What the hell does Garmin have to do with anything? I thought it was Team Chipotle Slipstream? I don't have anything against these Johnny-come-Latelies (what's a TDF team sponsorship worth? Must look that up stat) except this: Geo-Caching. Totally gay.
- How do judges at orienteering events prevent racers from surreptitiously using GPS systems? Are all orienteers meek and mild people whose "sport" is actually more of a semi-lazy past-time, sort of like birding?
- Does Skibby regularly tear the rearview windows off cars that are driven in dangerous or erratic ways? Skibby rocks!
- Decay just called to notify me that the live coverage of the Time Trial has featured frequent and uncensored use of the word fuck. Must turn the television on now.
- Here in Minneapolis, Versus is channel 68. What's on channel 69? Little House on the Prairie. Today's episode? "The Sound of Children." That's going to make it tough to keep the thumb off the clicker!