Unhappy Ending: The case for wearing chamois butter all the time

Or at least getting some rollers and a real bike...

"The victim was then forced to strip, after which he was superglued to the seat of an exercise bicycle, his hands were superglued, as were his feet and then his mouth was superglued shut," said Stokoe.

The attackers, dressed in suits and armed with handguns and what appeared to be an automatic assault rifle, ransacked the house and safe "whilst helping themselves to Chivas Regal and the like."

And the like? Like what? Cap'n Morgan? Vienna Sausages? A family-pack of Irish Spring soap bars? Inquiring minds!