The truth in the bilge

Our buddies over at Quick Release TV have intercepted a hilarious anti-bicycle screed posted around the UK by an unnamed PR firm. It ostensibly communicates the results of a "broad" survey of 2000 car drivers that finds, among other things, that

91% of road users have caught cyclists riding on the footpath/pavement

76% regularly see cyclists riding without lights on in the dark

74% have witnessed cyclists passing through a red traffic light

68% have seen cyclists failing to signal when turning left or right

50% have seen cyclists heading the wrong way down a one-way road

Cyclists driving through pedestrian crossing (44%)

Cyclists shouting at car and motorbike drivers (38%)

Shouting at pedestrians (27%)

Causing an accident (18%)

Cyclists not having insurance which means they can’t compensate other people involved in the accident (9%)

And it’s not just pedestrians and motorists who are being subjected to saddle rage - other cyclists say they have increasingly suffered, with one in ten (11%) admitting they’ve been verbally insulted, intimidated and yelled at by fellow cyclists.

Let's see if we can find a new way to say this. Good cyclist, please keep your shorts pulled up, your hands on the bars, and your lip buttoned. Nobody likes a lippy bike rider.

Spontaneous Human Competition: The Pissing Match

Commuters do it. Weekend warriors do it. Shavers in nuthuggers do it. Cross-country racers and freeriding stoners -- yes, even they do it.

Women, God love 'em, don't do it.


So you're out for your easy Wednesday spin. Ahead, you see some sprayer in a chartreuse Pearl Izumi windbreaker, knees cocking out and pumping like a drunk cowboy tipping off a barstool. You quickly overtake him, and give a pleasant "hiya" as you pass, suppressing the desire to tell him his seat is about an inch too low, he's overdressed, and he should try to ride with his knees parallel.

Your very presence and pace seems to goad this man, for he has suddenly interpreted your passing him as a brazen attack by a despicable domestique. He gives chase. You, being somewhat committed to this being a spin and not an interval workout, try to maintain an easy pace without using a heart monitor or a speedometer. It's a beautiful day for a ride -- preferably, a solo ride that has suddenly turned into a time trial race against your two-minute man who is apparently trying to preserve his position on the GC of Life.

He passes you without a word, trying desperately to breathe through his nose, though you can see his windbreaker inflating and deflating like a great pufferfish gasping for life. He establishes an impressive gap with his V-6 pedaling style. You silently commend him for his gumption.

But now he has blown; the parachute has gone out. You are quickly overtaking him again, although your pace has never really changed. You pass him again, uttering the same pleasant, "hey." He rises out of his saddle and renews his campaign, this time silently riding your wheel, forcing you either to pick up the gauntlet and bury him, or accept that you'll be pulling him for God knows how many miles, his derailleur making a maddening tick each time a tight link pops through the jockeys, the rhythm slightly out of phase with his loud mouth breathing.

There is nothing about this person that makes you want to change your plan to ride at your pace, alone, enjoying the day without meeting "someone new," or worse, racing against some dickwad on an aluminum Trek.

Sound familiar? This problem is epidemic among the male of the species. It must be stamped out. Please do your part by riding at your maximum speed at all times.

More on Crushed-Helmet Boy: Blaming the victim

Astonishingly, the excitable and earnest fellows at Cyclelicio.us are making a strong case against bike lanes, and blaming cyclists themselves for whatever may befall them on the biways of America. John Ardelli blames Crushed-Helmet Boy for an inability to "modulate" his front brakes and a native, delusional stupidity about what a bike lane is and does.

This was obviously an inexperienced cyclist traveling too fast for his experience level. The fact that he flipped himself over the handlebars suggests he didn't know how to modulate his front brake in an emergency stop and, if he was unable to stop in time, he should have executed a quick turn with the truck to avoid the collision instead of trying to stop, anyway. The cycle lane only made things worse by encouraging him to stay too far to the right.

I maintain, and I will always maintain, that there is only one way to increase the safety of cyclists on North America's roads: education.

Dude, take a deep breath. Accidents happen all the time. If they happened only to smart people obeying the laws and observing all niceties at all times, they wouldn't be called accidents. They'd be called "surreal unexplainable anomalies in an otherwise perfect world." Sorta like Spontaneous Human Combustion or leprachauns.

The fact of the matter is that this kid is now an international celebrity and testimonial for the utility of bike helmets. We're betting 5:1 that he ends up on Leno or Letterman before the week is out.

And a city with no bike lanes makes it a helluva lot easier for motorists to believe that bikes do not belong on paved roads--and more frighteningly, to behave that way.