Do Not Go Quietly Into the Night Without Extending Your Brand

Why do car companies insist on building bicycles? It's bad enough to see your dad wearing Porsche sunglasses, and a Mercedes Benz watch, why must he also park that piece of Delorean dynacrap with bad decals in the garage as well?

As far as automobile-branded bikes go, there really can be no standard lower than Jeep's longstanding tradition of atrocious mountain bikes -- these bikes that make Magnas look high end have virtually guaranteed that no serious cyclist would ever buy a Jeep product of any kind. An "all-terrain" bike as worthy of its offroad namesake as, say, a rollerskate, and suited pretty much to the driveway, if that.

On the other hand, Ducati and Ferrari have over the years plastered their decals on some otherwise fine Italian frames--having the good sense to partner with, say, Colnago rather than Huffy.

But we recently discovered what may permanently displace the Jeep bike as the all-time lamest car-branded bike. What car brand is the most despised in the world, and therefore justifies the creation of an equally hateable specimen of dyncrappy BSO? Yes, the brand that Arnie "The Governator" Schwartzenegger built: Hummer.

I didn't think it was possible to build a bike uglier than Klein's wrongheaded pontoon bike, the Mantra. But it is possible, if you capture the look, remove the suspension and quality components, and turn it into a folding atrocity exhibition. Hey, on the upside--you're already riding a rail with a t-shirt that says "These Colors Don't Run." You just need someone to cover you with tar and feathers.