An Amusement & Diversion for The Genteel Cyclist. Daily.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Great conundrums of cycling: Why don't roadies wear Camelbaks?


Here is a question that we know you're dying to have us answer: Why won't any self-respecting roadie wear a Camelbak? Well, the answer to that question is complex. Like the ego of the roadie itself, it is a labyrinth of delusional self-regard. Without wheeling out the couch and lighting up the pipe, we can offer a few psychological insights into this interesting subcultural phenomenon.

1) It ruins your profile in the full length mirror, and draws attention away from your massive quads and spidered calves.

2) Everything a roadie would ever need fits into his jersey pockets -- even if it makes him look like he's wearing a bustle. Better a bustle than a tumorous growth between your shoulder blades.

3) Wind resistance may reduce wattage by an unmeasurable but still maddening amount, and result in finishing mid-pack in your cat 3/4 crit -- instead of finishing mid-pack in your cat 3/4 crit.

4) It's shaming enough having Ultegra shifters. A Camelbak would allow other riders to openly call you a clueless sprayer, instead of secretly calling you a clueless sprayer.

5) Hydration? That's for mortals and morons.

6) Would never wear something that's even too gay for cross-country skiers.

7) Might lead to the impression that a roadie would ever consider any other cycling discipline, especially not mountain biking among all those hairy legs and baggy shorts. For gross!

8) Bite valve causes gagging in the "soft mouth" of most roadies.

9) Placement of water above the center of gravity makes a carbon bike almost impossible to handle, unless it's on a trainer.

10)Roadbiking is so easy that you don't actually need water. The only water you need to carry gets donated to the guy at the front--the only one who's sweating.

11) It's better to have incidental leakage happen inside your shorts.

9 comments:

Matt said...

Wow, an entry so great they did it twice! I actually have wondered about this and recently asked a race promotor why roadies don't wear Camelbaks. He said in long races they don't hold enough and in short ones it's basically peer pressure. He said if you wear one, you'd better win. The peloton is a ruthless bitch.

I don't have one either. Doesn't keep the coffee hot long enough.

AdamB said...

It covers up the logos, duh.

And it's sweaty. Need to have that skin open for evaporation.

Finally, can you imagine Merckx or Delgado wearing that crap? Hell no. Might as well have a uglyass sleeveless jersey.

bother yam said...

Pinchy, you owe me a new monitor and keyboard.

As payback -- here's my prototype that will allow me to CONQUER THE WORLD...

Anonymous said...

uh, I can carry plenty of water on my bike. It matter2 less on the road, MTB's benefit from a lighter bike for handling, so putting it on your back helps, plus carrying all the extra crap you need. There's no benefit on the road. and unless you're riding in the boonies, water is probably more accessable than on the trail. And what the do need to carry beyond tube, tool, and wallet?

Anonymous said...

Reason #10: All the anorexic eating habits and scarfing and barfing are negated by strapping 10 pounds of water to the back. Plus can't you imagine hearing all the pre-race primping? "does this camelback make me look fat?"

Pinchie said...

Roadbiking is so easy that you don't actually need water. The only water you need to carry gets donated to the guy at the front, right? The only one who's sweating?

Mountain biking, on the other hand, is a brutal, pugilistic, MAN'S kind of recreation, with no silly "style" issues.

Anonymous said...

From what I've heard, the only roadie in the local peleton riding with a camelback is the "Deuce" and he doesn't really use it for fresh water.

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